A 5 Step-Plan for the Financial Future of The United States, or: Why Killing All the Baby Boomers Just Might Save Us [satire]

Do not read this webpage. This is satire. If you do not know what satire is, stop here and leave immediately. If you do know what satire is, leave anyway, as you and readers like you are even more dangerous. The comments on this web page are not intended to provoke, stimulate, or encourage any violent or negative behavior towards the elderly, humans, animals, or even ants. No ants were squashed in the writing of this satirical post. Proceed at your own risk.


This phase-two summary outlines a 5-step program to save the financial health of the United States. It does involve the legal authorization and later killing of American citizens, so must be treated as highly CONFIDENTIAL, but is still in the development phase. Authorization would be required, senior citizens killed, corpses transformed into crop fertilizer, agriculture across the U.S. improved, and benefits would percolate throughout the economy. It is an all-inclusive plan and touches many sectors, but for reasons of sensitivity, reader caution is urged.


  1. Authorization from Congress to kill anyone over 65.
    • Legislation must first be passed in Congress for this measure. A constitutional amendment is recommended, but not necessary. This national legislation would make legal the killing (honorable, of course) of anyone over 65 legal for purposes of reducing their generation’s population and easing the financial crisis of the country. Legislation must be simple and powerful but contain all requisite details, such as the age above which should be killed, who must do the killing, how to proceed when seniors resist, and other such major details.
    • Employed workers over 65 years of age, such as active politicians, might be exempted. Other issues must be decided, like execution spots within the continental U.S., various phases, and how to inform the generation of their mandatory sacrifice. The President would be given full authority to execute the final plan; indeed current President Trump would surely take pleasure in the disposal of most of his generation.
    • Rhetorical thoughts: Should savings’ and other financial accounts of this generation be redistributed to their families, the federal government, or diverted elsewhere?
    • Explanations to seniors’ could be given (i.e.: “Your generation shall return to the earth from whence it came, just a bit ahead of schedule this century.”), but may simply delay the process, and legislation should avoid making this a requirement.
  2. Perform the Executions
    • Care must be taken to execute seniors swiftly, before unrest and societal problems occur.
    • Lethal injection should not be used over ethical concerns being discovered of late, and electrocution might cause other issues. Both might permanently damage tissues for later steps. Firing squad is recommended to preserve the majority of bodily tissue for decomposition. Considering the state of healthcare, the decline in contentment and “life quality” for seniors, and typical cognitive decline in hospital settings, death by firing squad is likely an act of kindness for many seniors. Most should be appreciative, although many may be slightly anxious during their final moments. Security should not be ignored.
    • While an execution of 75 million seniors may seem like a simple project on paper, great care must be taken in planning. Citizens must be executed close to “grinding” plants and stations (see below) in order for bodies not to decay, and care must be taken to avoid jams in pipelines during the execution- and grinding-processes. The conventional meat industry in the U.S. should provide the necessary equipment, but personnel selection may be challenging. Volunteer programs should be incentivized, although traditional volunteer-based programs, such as the military and Peace Corps, may not suffice.
  3. Grind Bodies Into Mulch
    • Human bodies decay rapidly, but this fact must be used to the advantage of the nation. While the “baby boomer” generation is not the healthiest from a nutritional perspective, their ground, decaying bodies would indeed contain respectable stores of certain micronutrients, and without question, large stores of protein, fats, and other molecules. Since such bodies already contain bacterial colonies, and this “mulch,” as it shall now be referred to, could be used as an agricultural fertilizer for crops nationwide. It must be noted that such protein-rich mulch would contain respectable stores of NPK and other highly sought after fertilizers, along with other lesser known trace elements, including but not limited to lithium.
  4. Use Mulch As Soil Fertilizer
    • Crop selection is critical. Corn, for example, is overgrown in the U.S., raw consumer demand has flatlined, and likely has little need for such a nationwide supply of quality fertilizer. However, raw grasses, such as spinach (direct to consumer) and other grass-products (such as that eaten by the growing “grass-fed beef” industry) are recommended, but research must be done to determine the optimal mulch-to-harvest ratio of various potential crops.
  5. Reap the Harvest and Benefits
    • Government spending falls as benefits for seniors’ decline and execution/fertilizer program draws down.
    • In 2-4 growing seasons (short enough to be measurable within typical election cycles) crop quality and productivity will increase notably. Prices should remain stable (or actually rise) for farmers by increased demand (meeting supply) for high-quality nutrition by the public, especially considering the patriotism involved in buying such important crops.
    • Each year after the program, as the effects of mulch decline with soil turnover, farmers will incorporate modern technology and processes to maintain crop output levels and demand (in the first few “harvest” years, as they might be called), mix ideas from modern science, and increase public interest into farming overall. Increased focus on agricultural, one of the most important sectors of the USA, should continue for decades.

The economy is stimulated, healthcare costs are down, and doctors are free to focus on helping those of us who still contribute to our nation: the young people.

Quite literally, this plan is democracy in action with every forkfull of grass-fed beef and raw organic spinach. Fruit, too.

“Mmmm, thanks, Grandma! Delicious!”

Posted 18 May 2017